More than a month has gone by since I lost wrote. I would apologise but there is no need. The reality is that there has been a lot of change. And while I think I'm capable of dealing with change, it's been a bit overwhelming. I wish I could be one of those people that is just eternally grateful for everything. Continuously present in a mindful sort of way.
I painted my nails last night, a mauve grey shade, and now they have the bed sheets printed on them. Essentially, this is how I feel most of the time now. Like the nail polish on my fingernails. Trying to look nice and put together, but really, a bit of a mess.
Throughout this time, I've realised a few important things: peppermint tea makes everything better; getting fresh air and moving my body should always be a priority; and it's okay to be myself. Meeting new people and being in new places shakes me up. It makes me question things I haven't questioned for a long time. Learning and doing new things too. There's a vulnerability that comes with it, one that I think I wasn't expecting.
The sun just started shining through the window, right on my face. It feels beautiful. Poetic.
I guess what's been hard is that I never realised how hard I work at proving myself to the world. It's exhausting. And completely unnecessary.
Self-love.
Self-love.
Self-love.
Remember self-love.
I realised how I'm always surrounded by sound and light. When was the last time I was in complete silence or complete darkness? It's silly really, that I'm thinking about this, but my point is the world seems to be constantly spinning and I'm always trying to spin with it. There's always something to be said, something to be heard, something to be seen. It would be nice in a way to sit in silence and appreciate the absence of things. Not being able to see.
So I'm going to be taking up meditation. I think I really need it. Lately, thoughts pop into my head and they don't seem to get out. I want to work on this flow, that things can enter and exit as I wish, and I don't need to hold onto them for long. A sense of peace, ease and control.
I also want my days to be less about how tired I am. To express gratitude for the things I can do, the things I've said and done, for me being who I am. And to challenge that with quality. Look at spending quality time with others, with myself, with my home. Looking for sources of inspiration instead of looking to complete my to-do list. Because, perhaps, feeling inspired will make me do things without feeling like they have to get done. Forget about time, in a way.
I can imagine myself reading this in a few months or years time and realise that I'm fighting the same battles. Why? There are the struggles of life, don't you think?
I'll leave you here. It's felt good to verbalise this in an unofficial way, with Mazzy Star's Fade Into You, one of my favourite melodies, in the background.
Be kind, always and greatly.
Love,
Sofia
